Why Does Every Football Tournament Need an Opening Ceremony?

The football starts tonight. Or at least, that’s what I’ve been told.

Personally, I was under the impression that football tournaments began when a referee blew a whistle and twenty-two players started chasing a ball around a field. Apparently, I was mistaken.

Nowadays, before a single pass can be misplaced or a single commentator can tell us that “both teams will be looking for a positive result,” we must first endure an opening ceremony.

When did this happen?

I switched on the television expecting football and was greeted instead by dancers, fireworks, lasers, giant inflatable objects and enough dramatic music to accompany the end of civilisation.

Now don’t get me wrong. I enjoy a bit of spectacle. But football already has a perfectly good opening ceremony. It’s called the teams walking onto the pitch.

That’s it.

The crowd cheers. The national anthems are played. The referee checks everyone’s boots. Job done.

Instead, modern tournaments seem determined to convince us that football is somehow not exciting enough on its own.

Apparently we need a singer suspended from a crane, a hundred dancers dressed as footballs, and a light show visible from space before we’re ready for a match.

And why is everything so loud?

Every opening ceremony sounds as though somebody has accidentally connected the stadium speakers directly to a thunderstorm.

The presenters don’t help either.

“This is a historic moment,” they announce.

No, the historic moment will be when somebody scores the first goal. What we’re currently watching is a man in a sequinned jacket shouting into a microphone.

The best part is that everyone pretends to enjoy it.

The players look confused.

The managers look impatient.

Half the crowd are still trying to find their seats.

And the rest of us are sitting at home wondering whether we’ve accidentally tuned into a music festival.

Perhaps I’m old-fashioned.

Perhaps football has moved on.

But I can’t help thinking that the greatest football tournaments in history managed perfectly well without giant fireworks displays and interpretive dance routines.

Still, the good news is that eventually somebody remembers there’s a football match to be played.

And that, after all, is why we’re here.

Anyway, what do I know?

I’m just a Grumpy Old Man.